Chapter 3 - Accept Your Children

 

I am joining a wonderful group of ladies and reading through How to Have a H.E.A.R.T For Your Kids by Rachael Carmen. This past week we read Chapter 3, Accept Your Children.

Accept your children sounds easy right? Well it's not for me, at least not all the time.  Accepting my kids is something I definitely struggle with. And sadly it shouldn't be, because as a child I often felt unaccepted at school and at home. So I know how it feels, how it hurts and how it can ruin your self esteem. Rachel says that, "Genuine acceptance of our kids means a radical change of perspective - a paradigm shift. What is a paradigm shift? Well since I looked it up to get the exact definition I will share it with you. A paradigm shift is a change from one way of thinking to another. It's a revolution, a transformation, a sort of metamorphosis. It does not happen, but rather is driven by agents of change. In the case of our children, "It means seeing our children as gifts from the hand of the living God."

I have written before about how my daughter personality and character is a lot like mine she is my clone, my mini me. I think that is why we butt heads so much and why I am constantly trying to change her personality and character. I think about how hard it was for me growing up and since she is so much like me I don't want her to have to go through any of the things I did. She is fidgety just like me (my nick name used to be worm). She is artistic just like me. She has some OCD habits just like me. She is high strung just like me. She loves animals just like me. She is a caring and compassionate just like me. She has her own fashion sense just like me. She doesn't care what others think just like me. She hates to be teased just like me. She is a planner just like me. She is an auditory/visual learner just like me.

My son on the other hand is very laid back and a lot like my husband, brother and grandfather. He likes to build with blocks, cardboard boxes, Legos, anything really. He loves to play by himself. He teases everyone he comes in contact with. He puts everything in his mouth. He likes to pick at things like paint on the wall, strings on a blanket, his nails/toenails, you name it. He is a kinesthetic learner. 

Two completely different kids with different learning styles, personalities and characters. Rachel says that "When we attempt to rewire our children, we are actually rejecting them, even if we do not verbalize it." WOW, that hit me like a ton of bricks after I read it. One thing I hated growing up and promised myself I would never do to my kids was compare them to others or try to make them into something they are not. And here I am trying to change my daughter. Well NOT any more!!!

The last 12 days have been very interesting, exciting and stressful. As many of you may already know I was watching my friends two kids for 9 days while she was in the hospital recuperating from surgery. Things were quite CRAZY around here. I spent several days driving to and from speech/occupational therapy appointments, the hospital and the store. Also during those 9 days there was one night that I had seven kids sleeping over because of Gwyns birthday party. And there was another day that I watched a  friends two girls (plus the four I already had in my care) while she went to have lunch with a friend. So when Saturday came I was tired and a little stressed. I don't think I have ever had so many kids in and out of my home before.

BUT......something AMAZING happened during those 9 days. My HEART grew by leaps and bounds towards my husband and my children. God spoke to us all through helping out a friend. I realized how very blessed I was to have such wonderful children. Children who knew their mother needed assistance. Children who knew their mother needed them to be on their best behavior. Children who care deeply about others. Children who are very self sufficient. Children who love to learn. Children who don't require special diets or have special needs. And I realized how amazing the man I fell in love with 12 yrs ago really is. He is always there for us and takes such good care of us. He supports me in everything I do and the decisions I make.He encourages the kids to follow their dreams. He never puts me down. Rachel says that "Our journey with our kids is not just about disciplining and training them. It is about our discipline and training." I have come to realize the last 12 days that this is indeed true. Well this momma has been disciplined and trained the last week and a half. And a paradigm shift has taken place!

These last several days I have also witnessed Gwyn not only turn a year older but grow her character. I am amazed at how caring and compassionate she is for a 6 yr old. And her behavior has been impeccable. I haven't YELLED at the kids in 12 days! Rachel says, "Well-disciplined children are not only prepared for God's call and work in their lives, but they are also enjoyable to spend time with," and boy is that the truth. She doesn't need me to change her. I am the one that needs to change. With the help of God I need to accept her and her brother and build them up. I need to pray like Rachel did for Him to reveal His plan and purpose for their lives so I can raise them "in the way [they] should go" (Proverbs 22:6)so they can one day fulfill what He had planned for them.

Rachael, ended the chapter with some questions called, "Heart Check-up"--Page 119. I have actually answered these questions above throughout my post.

1. What are some ways you have experienced rejection in your own life? (Remember, all of these come from the father of lies!)

2. Are there characteristics of your children you find difficult to accept? If so what are they? Pray about these specifically and ask to see God's perspective about these areas of your children's lives.

3. Area there things about your children you're personally embarrassed about? If so, what are they? Pray about these specifically and ask to see God's perspective about these areas of your children's lives.  For me it is mostly the disobedience and talking back that embarrass me.

Favorite quote(s): 
-Pg 109 "Is the character flaw you see in your child an imitation of our own sinfulness?"
-Pg 111 "It means accepting and enjoying each one a as a providential gift and blessing from a Holy God, trusting that He will continue the good work He began by sending them to you and carry it through to completion (Philippians 1:6).
-Pg 113 "When parenting seems hard or downright impossible, and you're certain you've messed things up beyond repair, don't forget that you serve the great Redeemer and all of that stuff in your life that you  regard as junk can and will be used by God for good (Romans 8:28).
-Pg 115 " God is using this opportunity not just to prepare my children for His calling, but also to break me, mold me, and use me as an instrument of righteousness for His name's sake-if I will let Him."
-Pg 116 "I love you. These are the words by which children first begin to build trust. These are the words that best communicate a parents' acceptance of the child. But as important as those three words are, there are three words that are more important: God loves you."

Do you accept your children? I cannot wait to read everyone's posts. Thanks for stopping by.

Chapter 2 - Enrich Your Marriage

 

I am joining a wonderful group of ladies and reading through How to Have a H.E.A.R.T For Your Kids by Rachael Carmen. The book club this past week and we read Chapter 2, Enrich Your Marriage.

I really enjoyed this chapter. My husband and I have been married 11 1/2 yrs. We have had our ups and downs. We have struggled through numerous moves, illnesses, job issues, financial stresses, broken down cars, a foreclosure, a bankruptcy, an addiction and family issues from the past. But through it all we remained strong and never gave up on our marriage.

 
When I met my husband 12 yrs ago (yup if you do the math you will notice we only dated 6 months) I knew he was the man for me. I never dated in high school and never had plans to get married. I wanted kids but was going to adopt. And then I met Ben. We met in December 1999. His sister and I were good friends and had plans to go to the movies after work one evening. She asked if Ben could go along because he was going through a rough time and needed to get out of the house. So we all met outside of The Sports Authority (which is where his sister and I worked) and headed to the movies. I had met Ben previously because he was engaged to another girl who used to work at The Sports Authority but that rough time I mentioned was because him and his fiance were taking a break, or so I thought. Boy did I forget how good looking he was. I decided to flirt and he did too. He was on a break from his fiance so he was fair game right? I mean he wasn't married yet! Well I found out later that night that they had totally broken off their engagement. YAY he was fair game. So about a week later I went over to Ben and his sisters house for a Christmas party where we flirted some more and then he made his move. His pick up line, "I think you're pretty cool and I would like to get to know you better." My reply, "okay well lets hang out I have your phone number I will call you." And I did the next night and we went out on our first official date. Christmas Eve arrived and we spent it together he gave me a leather coat for Christmas. Yup I only knew the guy a couple of weeks and he gives me a leather coat (he was definitely a keeper). He spent Christmas at my house. And we continued seeing each other every night. Most nights we would just snuggle and watch movies or play video games which is still our favorite thing to do. June arrived and we were going to the beach for my birthday. I didn't know it at the time but he had plans to propose. He had the ring and had it all planned out. But a few weeks before our mini vacation we were talking and somehow we got on the subject of eloping and getting married when we went on our vacation. "Umm there is no way my parents would ever go for that," I said. The next day while I was at work I called my mom and half joking told her we were eloping and getting married at the beach. My moms reply which stunned me was, "well if that is what you really want." WHAT????? So Ben and I decided to get married at the beach and we started planning. We found a pastor online, Pastor Bob and I found a cute white dress (on sale for $80). About a week prior to our wedding he actually popped the question (even though he already knew my answer) and gave me the ring. We drove down to apply for our marriage license the weekend prior, everything was set. WOW I was getting married. On June 16, 2000 also my 19th birthday we got married in Harvey Cedars, NJ on a jetty. Just me, Ben the Pastor Bob and our two witness which were my sister and brother-in-law. It was the most amazing day of my life. I had found my soul mate. Who would have thought that the first guy I dated would be the one? We had a lot of people tell us that our marriage would not last because of how whirlwind it was. But here we are today happy and together. We have also brought two wonderful kids into this world to share in our journey.

When we said our vows we meant them . Every marriage goes through rough times it is just human nature nothing can be 100% perfect all of the time. The hardest struggle for us has been Ben's past family issues. He grew up in an environment with emotional and physical hurt towards him and his siblings This hurt has stayed with him through the years and has caused re-occurring issues in our marriage. But each time we work through it together. We have gone to counseling and we have read together (The 5 Love Languages is an amazing book). We have worked on our communication BIG time. Communication is such an important key to marriage and I think probably one of the biggest reasons marriages fail. It is actually because of a rough patch in our marriage in 2009 that I started my relationship with God again and started praying again .

Rachael, ended the chapter with some questions called, "Heart Check-up"--Page 89. Here are answers to a few of the questions, because I didn't want my post to be overly long.

2. How would you like to see your own marriage improve? What are you personally willing to do to start making those changes?

• I would like to see Ben and I get more alone time together. Since we have had kids it has been hard to get out of the house for alone time. I want to take time this year to rekindle our relationship and bring the spark back. I would like to read more marriage books together. 4 days to a forever marriage is next on our list. I am hoping we can start it next month

3. Describe the kind of marriage you would like your children to one day experience. How are you helping to prepare them now for those relationships? How are you praying for them and their future spouses?

• I want my kids to have a safe and happy relationship with their spouse. I want them to know that marriage is something you work at that its not easy. I especially want my daughter to know that its not like the fairytales she watches, lol. We are very open with our children. We don't hide the ugly or good stuff from them and we have cried, had arguments, kissed, hugged and acted silly in front of them. I love it when my daughter sees us kiss and says, "Awww Mommy and Daddy are in love." Normally my son runs and says EWWWWW! Honestly I never thought about praying for them or their future spouses that is something I will start doing though.

5. What is one thing you could do today for your spouse that could make all the difference in his or her day?

• I need to be better at listening to Ben and communicating with him. I  need to do a better job at filling his love tank by expressing his primary love language which is physical touch. Physical touch is hard for me but since it is what he craves I need to make more of an effort to kiss him everyday when he comes home, rub his head and back, hold his hand and hug him. Opps thats two things.
  

Favorite quote(s): 
-Pg 64 - "There are so many lessons and insights that can be wonderfully demonstrated in the context of marriage - selflessness, sacrifice and service, just to name a few."
-Pg 66 - "It is from watching their parents' marriages that our children learn trust, sacrifice, loyalty, teamwork, forgiveness, cooperation, communication, and responsibility. It is from our marriages that they learn perseverance, joy, diligence, kindness, gentleness and communication. It is from our marriages that they learn grace."
-Pg 79 - "You know when you're young, no one tells you how hard life is going to be, much less marriage."

Live, love and laugh together often! I cannot wait to read everyone's posts. Thanks for stopping by.

Will you join me in January?

Starting in January I will be participating in the 31 Days to Build a Better Spouse Challenge and the How to Have a HEART for Your Kids book club. Both start January 1, 2012. I would love to have you join me in the New Year to become more dedicated spouses and mothers.

 

31 Days to Build a Better Spouse Challenge:

Do you have just 5 minutes a day to pray for your spouse? Did you know that doing so each day over the course of 31 days CAN improve your marriage?

I know first hand how pray can improve your marriage and save it. About 2 yrs ago I prayer harder than I ever have for my husband and our marriage. We have been married 11 1/2 yrs and he is my EVERYTHING. He's more than my husband he's is my best friend. I have already devoted my life to him so why not devote 5 minutes a day for 31 days to pray for him? I am looking forward to this challenge and cannot wait to start reading the e-book.

You will be able to check in with a small group for accountability and share prayer requests. There will be private groups forming on Facebook and via email sign up here. You can also join the various discussions on the 31 Days to Pray Facebook page (get a FREE gift when you "like" their page) and/or twitter by using hashtag #31DBBS.

Buy the e-book today here for $4.99 available in Kindle and PDF format. So for $4.99 and 5 minutes a day you can improve your marriage....I say its worth it, don't you? Buy it NOW!

How to Have a HEART for Your Kids Book Club:

We’ll be journeying together through Rachael Carman’s book How to Have a H.E.A.R.T. for Your Kids (currently $13.00 on Amazon) as she reminds us to:

• Have a Heart for the Things of God
• Enrich Your Marriage
• Accept Your Kids
• Release Them to God
• Teach Them Truth

I already started reading the book because well I am a procrastinator and wanted to make sure I would be able to keep up with both of these events. The book is AMAZING. Rachael shares some of the simplest things we can do that will make the world of different in our relationship with our kids and spouses.

Make sure you join the Facebook group and/or use the hashtag #Heart4YourKids on twitter to share your thoughts. Join the HEART Book Club email newsletter list to get a free printable PDF discussion guide / journal to use in your study and prayer time (I have already downloaded mine and it's wonderful).

If your a blogger you can also feel free to blog your thoughts to share. I will be trying to do this as well but cannot make any promises it is difficult for me to find time to blog.

I hope you will join me and the other amazing women in January!

Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!

*Disclaimer -  Many of the links found on my side bars and in my blog posts are affiliate links. As a result, I might get paid money and I will most likely spend the money on homeschool supplies.

Giveaway - 4 Days to a Forever Marriage by Dr. Gary & Norma Smalley

I haven't read this one either so sorry no review. I was blessed by Master Books with 2 copies so I am hosting this giveaway to bless someone else with the extra copy.  Even though I don't have a personal review because my husband and I haven't started reading our copy I can tell you that it is an amazing book and a must have for every couple. The couple that writes that book the Smalley's has been married for more than 40 years. This book is for every couple whether they are newly weds or have been married 30 yrs. In 4 days you will learn: 1. The power of loving words and actions, 2. Better communication and resolving anger, 3. Connections through affection and intimacy and 4. Finding treasures in trials.

Watch this video of the Smalley's to see just how amazing this couple is.

If you do not win the book or wish to purchase for a couple it is currently on sale at Amazon for $11.55.

Giveaway:
One lucky reader will receive 4 Days to a Forever Marriage (valued at $16.99). Only the first entry is mandatory. Other entries are optional and give you extra chances. Also this book will be getting shipped by me. I am not sure if I can get it shipped out in time for it to arrive by Christmas but I will try if you wish to give it as a gift.

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Disclaimer - This is an extra copy I won and I was not asked to give it away on my blog. Many of the links found on my my side bars and in my blog posts are affiliate links. As a result, I might get paid money and I will most likely spend the money on homeschool supplies.